I’ve never liked revolving doors — especially the automatic kind. There’s the initial anxiety of a perfectly timed entry, the fear of being pinched or pinned as it spins. Then there’s the slow, awkward walk across a small slice of floor. It feels unnatural, to be guided by metal and glass and not dictate the speed of your steps. Just as you’re getting the hang of it, just as the rhythm begins to set in, you’re pushed onto the other side.
Yesterday I said goodbye to a friend moving out of San Francisco. It’s a familiar feeling — disappointment mingled with nostalgia that ultimately morphs into resignation, as well as excitement for their next chapter. It feels like the dozenth time in the last five years I’ve met up for a farewell coffee or final park outing. It’s not just my imagination — people are leaving the city in droves (and were even before the pandemic hit). Steep rent, job scarcity, the homeless crisis, gentrification… I understand the many cons that play into the decision to leave. But sometimes it’s hard for me to understand how the pros don’t outweigh them.
I’ve spent so many days walking and driving San Francisco’s streets, looking out the window from buses and streetcars, staring a little too long at strangers and murals and storefronts because every corner warrants a second look, and then a third. Cat-on-leash sightings are a somewhat regular occurrence. Wild, chattering parrots can serenade you anywhere from the Presidio to the Mission (and beyond). In almost any neighborhood there’s a food truck to sate your appetite. Visit Golden Gate Park at the right time of year and you’ll discover Dahlia Dell in full bloom. And you can’t forget the Golden Gate Bridge itself, or the view of it from Crissy Field.
For all its whimsy and charm, though, there are practical concerns worth considering. Am I happy here? Can I afford to live in this city? Will I continue to grow in San Francisco? For some, the answers are all no. For others, only one of the answers is no, and that is enough.
For years, I’ve said that I won’t leave San Francisco until I know it like the back of my hand. Can I navigate the streets of San Francisco without a map? Am I an authority on the food here, and can I rattle off the best spots for dim sum and burritos and pho without a second thought? Have I mastered the MUNI routes? Have I uncovered every bookstore, gallery, boutique and hole-in-the-wall bar worth uncovering? For me, when the answers are all yes, I’ll feel like I know San Francisco, and only then will I feel like I’m able to leave. But of course, at that point, I probably won’t want to. Because it’s home now, and it will be home even more so then.
So yesterday, while I sat at the top of Alta Plaza Park, taking in 360-degree views of the city while waiting for my friend, I tried to see things for what they were. San Francisco is an ideal place to meet new people, to meet new sides of yourself. If it’s part of your past, maybe it’s because you outgrew it. Maybe you found yourself and then you needed to find something else. I hope it will be part of many people’s futures. But the trick is to see it for what it can be.
When you see San Francisco as a revolving door, you realize that it was moving before you arrived and it will continue to turn long after you leave. It doesn’t matter whether or not you get used to the pace. You entered with the intention of exiting.
San Francisco can be home. Why not take off your coat and stay awhile?
Exterior Explorations
Things to read, listen to and bake this weekend. 🍪
How to Meme What You Say by Chi Luu (JSTOR Daily)
I think my new goal in life is to create a snowclone.
Isabel Wilkerson Talks About Caste (The New York Times Book Review Podcast)
In the first part of this podcast, journalist Isabel Wilkerson discusses her newest book, Caste, which explores the complexities of race in America within the context of Nazi Germany and India’s caste system. The entire conversation is worth a listen, but I thought Wilkerson’s comment about language today, and how it fails us, was particularly interesting:
“We actually need new language to better understand the era in which we live. The old language may not be as sufficient as it might’ve been, say, during the early 20th century. Such words as racism, which is a very fraught word, means many different things to many different people and is often conflated with personal animus, hostility, hate — but what we’re dealing with now goes beyond that because actually it’s the underlying infrastructure that we’ve all inherited and that has been here all along since the founding of the country — actually since before the founding of the country.”
Easy Sugar Cookies (Allrecipes)
On Sunday I was desperately craving something sweet at 9PM, so I Googled “fast sugar cookie recipe” and this was the first result. I made these cookies (with sprinkles) and they were so soft, chewy and delicious.
Currently reading… 📖 Voices from Chernobyl: The Oral History of a Nuclear Disaster by Svetlana Alexievich. It is heavy, horrific and sad. I am taking it slow.
In other news… I’m on the hunt for podcast recommendations. My regular listening repertoire consists of Home Cooking, Code Switch, The Stacks, NPR News daily updates, Song Exploder, and the occasional NYT Book Review podcast. In the past I’ve enjoyed Serial (who didn’t?), Still Processing, Alice Isn’t Dead, Radiolab Presents: More Perfect and Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert. I’m completely open to all things newsy, narrative, creativity-related, super scientific, etc… Anything goes. So what are you listening to?
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Catch up on past installments of interior monologue:
Love.
San Francisco is a magical place with so much to discover. It has held an important part in my heart my entire life, and for 9 years it was home. There are a lot of things I miss about living in SF, including friends like you, but I have no regrets about leavings the city I love so much. I still consider myself a San Franciscan, and I always will be at heart. But during those 9 years I became a woman, and realized that my journey was taking me to new lands. That I would call more cities 'Home' in my lifetime. But there is only one SF and in the words of Tony Bennett "I left my heart in San Francisco".